self image
by tavell-kun
Summary: Hyoma can't stand to look at himself anymore. Hyoma and Hokuto have moved to metal bey city and Hyoma enrolls in the same 8th grade class as his close Ginga Hagane, but when he starts to bury his self hate with drug and alcohol abuse will anyone still stand by him.
1. Chapter 1

It was the middle of night and I couldn't sleep. I sat at my kitchen table inside my new one bedroom apartment across the street from my Jr. high school. Hokuto was asleep on my bed and I was thankful for that, because I didn't want anyone to see what I was going to do. I grabbed my back pack and unzipped the small front pouch. Inside the small pouch was a even smaller baggy of green plants; most people called it pot, weed, or marijuana. The bag smelled of a strong dry smell that leaked into every inch of my back pack, I would have to wash it before the smell got into the air and Hokuto got a sniff off it and found out I was trying this stuff out. I quickly pulled all my books and school work out my bag and rushed to the bathroom and filled a plain white bucket with hot soapy water and let my bag rest in it. On my way out the bathroom I grabbed a can of air freshener and sprayed my books and the air around them. The air spray left a fruity smell, like watermelon with mango with a hint of kiwi. I stepped out to the balcony with the bag of plant drugs, a lighter and everything else I was told I needed for this. After a couple of minutes I was half way through the bag, but the colors I saw; the dizziness I felt, and hunger I had made me feel as If I had gone through the bag at least ten times in a row. Once the whole bag had been emptied of the addictive drug, I locked the balcony door and fell asleep in a plastic green chair. In the morning I woke up with the taste of dead leaves and sand in my mouth and I smelled of the same awful stench my backpack had last night. The out of this world feeling I had last night had faded away. I stepped back inside the small apartment in a hustle to reach the shower and get my bag out the bucket before the colors began to fade. Thank god it's Saturday, I thought to myself as the hot water crashed on to my pale skin. As soon as I stepped out of the shower I herd Hokuto call my name from the only bedroom in our apartment. I washed my mouth out with mouthwash and stuck two sticks of peppermint gum in my mouth before I replied saying I was in the bathroom. I herd Hokuto's footstep come out of the small bedroom and end at the bathroom door. Hokuto sitting in front of a closed door was one of his ways of telling me he was hungry. I put my cloths from last night in a plastic bag so Hokuto wouldn't catch the scent of marijuana. Grabbing a blue towel and wrapping it around my waist, I walked in to the kitchen to start cooking Hokuto's daily four strips of bacon. Out of the corner of my eye I could see my Hokuto sniffing at the bathroom door as if he smelled something he wasn't familiar with. I panicked a bit but thinking on my feet I called him over for his breakfast. I put the meat in his bowl and watched as he devoured his meal and hopefully forgot about the "smell" from the bathroom. I hopped on to the couch and and turned on the TV. "here's were the smell came from!" I herd. I looked over to the balcony door to see that Hokuto had gotten a hold of the small plastic that used to be filled with drugs.


	2. Chapter 2

Author note

Sorry for the wait, I was planning on updating on monday but things don't always go the way you want, you know. :-\

Anyway here it is and I hope one or two people have the tim to review (not saying anyone has to but if you can I would thank you)

"Hyoma, Whats this?" Hokuto asked, with suspicion in his eyes as he looked at me.

I was panicked a bit by the question, but lucky when I got the first pint of drugs I looked up some good excuses I could use incase someone got suspicious.

"It's a plastic bag I picked up and put in my pocket from garbage collecting day at school." I said, trying to sound casual.

"Are you sure, the bathroom has the same smell as it?" Hokuto asked, becoming even more suspicious off my words. I could tell he was paying close attention to the way I spoke and my reaction in an attempt to see if I was lieing.

"Yeah, It was in my pocket for awhile and I left the pants i the bathroom" I said, masking my nervousness.

"Alright Hyoma, just be more careful not to pick up weird things off the street" Hokuto threw the plastic bag in the garbage and joined me on the couch.

After a couple of hours of pure tv and junk food, Hokuto had fallen asleep on the couch. I picked him up and carried him to his dog bed. After two hours of watching tv alone I was tierd and ready to go to bed. Right before I could hit the power button on the remote, a news report showing a middle school boy who committed suicide started showing. I sat the remote back down next to me and began to pay attention to the news story. A picture of the boy came up with a letter the boy wrote before shooting himself. As I listened to one of the anchor men read the letter and examined the boy's picture, I couldn't help but see the similarities between the boy and myself, except the boy was much stronger than myself. I had thought about suicide in the past, but I was too weak and too scared of dieing to do it. And not only that I would also be leaving Hokuto by himself and Ginga to grieve over me. Another thing I saw I had in common with the dead boy was the feeling of loneliness and self hate. Ever since I started school in Metal bey city I noticed Ginga and the rest of my friends become bussier in their own personal lives and less aware of each other. I understood that they were probably staying to themselves so they could plan out what would happen in a few months when we start highschool, but I was probably fooling myself into a false scence of security. I had no friends, and there was nothing I could do to get my old ones back. They probably thought I was too sad and deppressing to hang around with so there going to avoid me from now till the end of highschool. All my negative thoughts were getting to me, but I knew a quick way to clear my mind. I grabbed a black jacket and walked out the door, being as quiet as possible so not to wake Hokuto. I made my way down the darkening streets till I got to the back of a Kmart were the kids I got the drugs from hang out.

"Hey goat kid, what I say thats stuff mindblowing ain't it?" One of the kids said.

"Here, I just need a sma..." I tried to ask for a small pint, but I was cut off by the sight of a extra large bag of drugs.

"I know what you need kid, just listen to me like I'm your doctor and this is your perscription" The drug dealer said, placing the large bag in my hand.

I handed the dealers their money and I walked off, but looking back I could see them smiling over their profit. I walked down the street with the bag tucked under my jacket so no police would catch me. After a short but stressful "walk", I had finally made it to the front door to my apartment, but as I walked in I felt someone grab my shoulder from behind. In a panic, I dropped the bag of pot on the ground and turn around to see that Ginga was behind me.


	3. Chapter 3

"nga!?" "Hey Hyoma, you dropped this green stuff!" Ginga said happily, picking up the bag of drugs and handing it to me. "That stuff smells awful, what is it?" I felt a wave of relief seeing that Ginga was too innocent to know anything about drugs, I envied that about him. It only took me a few seconds to come up with a good enough lie that I knew Ginga would believe "It's a raw spice from Africa I just bought" I said, putting the bag back into my jacket. "What for? Can I come into your apartment and try some?" Ginga happily put arms behind his head and started walking towards the stairs. Before the red headed boy could step on one stair, I grabbed his arm and yanked him toward the door, harder than I had intended. "Hyoma! Whats the problem!?" The boy said, sounding hurt both physically and emotionally. I silently mouthed "sorry" to myself before actually speaking"Now isn't a good time Ginga, just go home and I'll call you after I get off work tomorrow"I coldly said, walking up the staire case, avoiding any eye contact with Ginga. I could tell my friend was still at the bottom of the staircase, hoping I was just playing with him and I hadn't really just violently turned down his company. What's wrong with me!? I just told my best friend to walk home in the dark, just so I can do drugs. Ginga probably thinks I'm an ass. I thought to myself as I took the first palm full of the drugs and wrapped it in the smokable paper. After I had gone through a quarter of the bag, I had lost all thoughts of what happened with Ginga; the only thoughts I had were about how good I felt at that moment. I felt as if all my problems didn't matter, subconsciously I knew this feeling was a lie my drug induced conscious mind made up, but I wanted to live with the lie just a for a while. I knew within an hour I would be fast asleep, so I shut the bag tight and hid it inside a pile of leaves that had collected on my apartment balcony. When I went back into my apartment, I took a shower, washed mouth out, and bagged my close in two garbage bags. It was 4:35 and school was going to start in a few hours so I was off to bed. Just as I got in between my sheets and blankets, my cell phone began to ring with the ring tone that I set for Ginga's house phone. It was probably Ginga trying to see if I was OK. My vision was to blurry from the high I felt so I just let the call go to voicemail, I can just talk to him tomorrow in homeroom, I thought to myself as I got comfortable and eventually fell asleep. The next morning went as smooth as any other, I made Hokuto's breakfast, took a shower, and left out the door at 7am. On the way to school I was expecting Ginga to pop out at me the way he normally does, but I didn't see a sign of the boy. After a short quite walk into the building, I finally reached my locker, but from what I could see Ginga's dad had beaten me there.

"Hyoma, please come with me to my office

" The man said, with seriousness burning in his eyes.

I was confused and scared as I followed the normally fun and outgoing man to his office. "Ginga told me about the spice you bought last night" the man said. I knew then and there was the beginning of the countdown to my problems outings


	4. Chapter 4

author note

Thank you to anyone who has reviewed, and I'm sorry about my last chapter (which was posted like four days ago) I forgot to spell check it until last night when I went through my stories and found MANY errors. anyway I edited it and it has been fixed.

I sat at Ginga's dad's desk, knowing that my secret was going to become known one way or another and no matter how many clever lies I could come up with, there was no way I could stop it.

"Hyoma, you know I try not to get in to my son's friend's lives, but from Ginga's description of your "spice" I have a reasons to believe your doing some illegal things" Ryo said, folding his hands and placing them on the desk top.

"Illegal things such as?" I asked, trying to make it seem as if I had no idea what the man was talking about.

"Drug abuse"

I looked at him with a shocked face as if I was surprised, but It was an act. In my mind I was panicking, that panicking led to my mind blanking, and that blank mind led to a loss of lies to use for a cover up, and that loss of lies led to my downfall

"Hyoma I know your good boy because Ginga likes you and I see you as a second son, If your doing something you shouldn't please tell me now so we can get you help with any addiction problems. If you tell me before I call Hokuto and have him look through your apartment the school board can go easy on you"

_**Help, he wants to help me! If he wants to help he can make my old friends accept me again**_, I thought to myself; keeping my anger in my thoughts. I sat in my uncomfortable seat keeping my eyes to the floor and hiding my face with the bangs of my hair. I knew Hokuto was most likely going to find it, but I was never one to give up until all odds were against me. two minutes went by before Ryo spoke again.

"This is disappointing" Ryo said, pulling out his cell phone. My mind was at war with itself; my conscious mind knew the best thing to do was to come clean, but my subconscious wanted to keep lying, tricking, and avoiding the inevitable outing of my addiction. Just as Ryo was about to hit the last digit It came out.

"It's true" I said in a one foot voice, but It was loud for Ryo to hear it.

It was over. My secret was out and there was nothing I could do to take it back. "I'm glad to see you can still make good decisions" Ryo said, as he typed the last digit in the phone and after a few rings Hokuto finally answered.

"Hokuto, please come to the school I have Hyoma in my office, It's a serious problem" Ryo spoke, before hanging up the phone and turning to face me."Please wait in the hall for Hokuto to come."

I did as the man asked, still keeping my face out of sight with my bangs. I sat on the bench outside of the office, waiting for the judgement of my pet dog. _**I wonder how pathetic I would look If I cried.**_


	5. Chapter 5

Author note

OK I'm leaving for my friends cabin in the morning, but I only have one problem. I have a huge fear of intestinal parasites (look at my profile under my likes) and my friend want to swim in a lake (you don't what to know what kind of intestinal worms you can get from a lake. ( and you really don't to know what want you can catch from peeing in a lake.) Anyway this story is going to get updated by the end of next week like Friday or whatever.

It was 9:00pm, and I haven't gotten out of bed since I left school. I didn't have the courage to look Hokuto in the eye, so I pretended to be asleep every time he came in the room to check on me. On a normal day I would have instinctively gotten out of bed hours ago and made dinner for both Me and Hokuto, but something told me a few strips of sausage wasn't going to fix our problems. I'm such a failure I disappoint my own dog! And right now I'm probably being made my own criminal record! I thought to myself as I grabbed my hair and started to yank at it. As my head started to hurt from the hair pulling, I herd the door crack open.

"I know your not asleep. Instead of staying in bed all day and pulling out all your hair, you could come out here and talk to me it might make you feel better. I herd Hokuto say before closing the door.

I got out of bed, ignoring the many bed sores on my sides, and walked into the living room to join Hokuto on the couch.

"Do you want to...talk... you know about what I did?" I asked hesitantly.

"Hyoma all I want to know is why would you do something like this to yourself. Its shameful to your father's name and the name of Coma village" Hokuto spat with disgust at me. Which I took immediately took offense to.

"Well I'm sorry if I'm so shameful!" I yelled snapping up from the couch.

"Hyoma don't you walk away from me when were talking about something as important as this!"

"Stop it!" I screamed at the top of my voice. I began to walk back to my bed with a quick paced walk.

"Stop what?! Stop caring?! Do you just want me to pretend like this isn't a big issue?" Hokuto barked, as he blocked my path to my bed and my escape from this conflict.

"I don't know Just leave me alone. I'm going out for a walk." I said, as I got dressed.

"Why, so you can get more of you precious drugs. Your not going out by yourself at nigh for a long time!" Hokuta grabbed my jacket and threw it across the room.

"Fuck you Hokuto, your not my god damn dad so leave me alone!" I grabbed a sweater and rushed out the door, slamming it on my way out.

"I'm the closest thing you have to dad!" Hokuto yelled after me.

I was now on the street at night, by myself. I knew Hokuto would be waiting for me, but I didn't care I wasn't going back for at least a day or two. I made my way up the street in the chili night. I had no idea were I was going to go or where I was going to sleep, but to my luck I Ginga only lived a fee blocks away. I walked as quickly as I could trying to make my way to the red headed boys house, but because Of the dark I got lost and ended up in front of a closing bar.

"Hey kid what are you doing. out, Its getting late." A woman with long black hair, wearing a pair booty shorts and a black T-shirt said, looking out at me from inside of the bar.

"I don't have anywhere to go tonight" I said, tacking a seat on a small staire step in front of the building.

"Your family kick you out?" the woman asked, seating beside me.

"you could say that"

"My dad kicked me out too when I was around your age.

"OK, how about this you come inside and drink with me and I let you stay in the back room for a while?" The woman opened the door and let me in.

I had never drank before that night but after my first bottle I knew that night wasn't going to be my last night with alcohol. It wasn't a full substitute for my old drug cravings, but it would do fine for the time being. I felt as if I could acomplish everything I ever wanted to do, but was to scared to try in the past.

"You know what kid, your pretty cool, when are you leaving though?"

"My _dad_ will probably cool of by tomorrow." I said.

"OK, just remember your always welcome here as long as you don't tell anyone about the booze" The woman said jokingly.

"I'll most definatly re...re...ber" I uttered before falling out.

author note

OK thank you please review I'm off to eat candy.


	6. Chapter 6

Author note OK I'm sorry I was so late updating my other story, but I had Serious blockage of ideas.

I woke up in a small orange and white colored bed in a room that obviously wasn't my own, because of the pictures of metal bands and skulls hanging on the walls. I couldn't think back to what I was doing the night before that could have led to me ending up in a place like this. I slowly stepped out of the bed, but as I did I felt my head bang and I momentarily lost my balance. Staggering on, I made my way out the room and into a dirty dingy bar. Hokuto going to bite my face off If he finds out I'm in a bar, I thought as I slowly made my way through the crowd of people, mostly men.

"Hey the dead has woken up, good morning kid" I herd a woman say, obviously at me since I was the only kid. I turned around to see the woman from last night waving at me from behind a counter. I walked over to see if I could get an explanation to why I was here.

"Was up kid, you know what I think we should know each others names, I'm Paige." The woman said, obviously wanting my name back.

"I'm Hyoma" I said, with my signature awkwardness radiating of me like radiation from a cell phone. "Exactly how did I get here?"

"Well last night I found you wondering around, I invited you in for a drink, then you passed out cold so I took you to the back room." Paige said, while washing some glasses."You may be cool for your age, but your not eighteen so you should be heading home. But since my friends like you you can come back any night"

"yeah"

I made my way outside, making sure to not bring attention to myself, and starting to walk home. Normally walking home from anywhere in the city would be a easy task, but the massive head ache it made it almost impossible. I knew as long as I could get into bed before Hokuto can flip out about me staying out all night. I could already hear Hokuto's old man voice blasting away at my ear drums, and with my head ache the last thing I needed was a loud voiced person. After almost falling down stairs, running into poles, and tripping over air I made it home. I had a harder time than usual trying to unlock my door because my black hair seemed straighter than usual. Wait, since when do I have dark straight hair? I thought, but dismissed. Paige and her friends probably did it when I was knocked out. Hokuto won't notice he's a dog. I opened the front to see Hokuto, Ginga, and Ryo sitting on the; waiting for me.

Author note Dogs can't see color :3 anyway This is sorta me kicking off another addiction so this chapter was sorta a base for the rest of the story.


	7. Chapter 7

Author note

Sorry I haven't updated for in a week, I was busy with mt new high school classes and a play I'm in. 欲音ルコ

I shyly walked into my apartment, feeling a bit on the spot with three pairs of eyes on me. Two of pairs were filled anger toward me and one was worried for my well being.

"Where have you been?! I swear Hyoma If you went out and got hyped up on more drugs I'm sending you straight to a juvenile detention! and what happened to your hair?" Hokuto yelled, not caring that the other two on the couch were staring.

"OK Everyone just calm down, Hyoma Hokuto called me last night looking for you. I know you weren't with us so where were you?" Ryo said, patting Hokuto.

"I was...asleep on a park bench" I said with a hint of confusion in my speech, I would have to reteach myself to lie later on.

"Hyoma you can't just leave at night without Hokuto's consent again unless you want the police to give you worse punishment than giving you a parole officer?" Ryo said.

"No I'm done doing things like that. There is no reason to get the police involved in everything I do" I walked over to a chair by the balcony and sat in it.

"I don't think you understand how serious this is, you got of with a parole officer cause of me putting in a good word, but If I suspect your still doing anything I will tell them to put you away" Ryo said, not giving me any ease, just a dead serious harsh threat."Hyoma the person you haven't talked to yet but should is Ginga. Ginga is being affected by this too" Ryo said, scooping up Hokuto and leaving the room."

A silence filled the room, It was even more awkward than myself. Looking over at Ginga I had a bit of guilt in the bottom of my stomach for making him worry so much.

"Ginga, are you goi-"

"Am I going to be OK? Is that what your going to ask? I can't be OK knowing my friend is going to kill himself with drugs! " Ginga said, showing the most frustration I had ever seen him with."Hyoma why are you doing this?! It's like you don't even care about yourself or anyone else anymore"

I didn't have the nerve to tell Ginga how awful I felt long before I did this and how I had more of a right to be sad than he did.

"That's enough Ginga were going home" Ryo said, setting Hokuto on the couch.

"Alright"

After a fee more words and another threat from Ryo, It was just me and Hokuto.

author note

please review.


	8. Chapter 8

I looked down at Hokuto through my dyed black locks of hair, as he hopped on to the couch and curled up. It wasn't like Hokuto to let me get away with anything , good or bad, without an explanation why. I sat down at the end of the couch, as to alert Hokuto and get him to speak his mind.

"So? Is that all you have to say?" I said curtly, hitting the power button on the remote.

"Yeah. like you said, I'm not your dad" Hokuto said, curling tighter.

Looking at Hokuto, It was obvious to tell how upset he was; The worst part was that It was my fault. I had no idea what I could say, so I didn't say anything. I left Hokuto on the couch and went into our shared room. **I'm awful, I hurt everyone, I'm not needed**. I thought to myself as I sprawled out over the bed spread.

"How could I say that to him?" I cried to myself.

I couldn't take take it, I needed a way to apologise for everything. Not just to Hokuto, but everyone who had ever been forced by coincidence to come in contact with me. I reached under my bed and pulled out my bey maintenance kit. It took a few minutes to open the solid steal box while my face was flat on a pillow, but I managed to get it open. I took out the performance tip sharpener, which was a curved metal cutting sharp knife. I took a minute to blow off the blade before resting it on my arm. I took a deep breath as the blade cut through my pale skin, drawing a small stream of blood. I didn't know If I was supposed to feel good or not from seeing my own blood fall, but I knew that the pain was just what I deserved and it made me happy to get just what I deserved. After a few more smaller cuts, I got out of bed and decided to try and see if I could help Hokuto.

"Hokuto, can we talk?" I asked, in a quite voice as I sat down next to him.

"Are you sure you want to talk me, you told me to stop caring a-"

"I didn't mean it like that" I said, cutting Hokuto off. "I just needed some space is all, I could never ask you to do something like stop caring and looking after me."

Hokuto looked up at me in an at ease face and I happily looked back. I scooped Hokuto up set him on my lap and began to pat him and he licked my cuts in an attempt make them heal faster. We stayed like this for a few hours until the clock hit eight. I could tell Hokuto was tired so I took him to his bed.

"I'm going out for a while!" I yelled before I left the apartment, but I herd words of approval in a tired voice.

I felt bad, Hokuto had no idea he was really letting me out to get drunk. Maybe I'm turning into one of those emo kids, I thought to myself as I walked into the Bar Paige worked at.


	9. Chapter 9

I walked down the dark street, I felt the cold fall air becoming full blown winter winds and even though it was only 6:30 the sky had already changed to a depressing night dusk color. I had a little longer than two hours to wait until I could go visit the bar and Paige, but for the time being I was just going to roam around town before winter came with piles of snow. I strolled into a playground and sat down on a swing set. I know where I am, I thought to myself as I thought back to when I first moved to the city. I use to come to this part of the city to visit madoka's family bey pit. As I pondered my memories of Madoka, I looked over and I saw the girl in my thoughts walking over to me. Saying I was confused and pissed with the girl coming at me was a pretty good way of describing how I felt, It fell short a little short but it was close enough. She gave me a small wave and hello as she took a seat next to me. I greeted her back with the least amount of energy I could. I didn't want to seem over joyed to see her, but I didn't want to seem hostile either.

"Hey Hyoma, I was wondering when I was going to see you again. I've been hearing some weird rumors about you, they aren't true right?" Madoka asked, curiosity was written all over her face.

"What kind of rumors?"

"Some weird ones like you tried to run away from home cause you got in a fight with your dad, but that can't be true cause your dads..."

Madoka stopped herself as if she was about to say something wrong.

"You can say it, dead" I reassured the Burnett.

"Yeah. And you and Hokuto never fight so that can't be true." Madoka laughed off the slight awkwardness.

"No, well its half way true. I did get in a fight with Hokuto, but I didn't run away I just left for night.

"Oh wow you left at night, were did you go?" Madoka's curiosity was replaced with a concern and interest.

"A park bench" I hastily said, looking Madoka dead in the eye.

Another awkward moment sponsored by me.

"Is that why your out her now? Do you need a place to stay?" Madoka demanded.

"No I'm just strolling through" I slightly laughed at the though of going anywhere where I was probably going to see her, but I guess that's a contradiction cause exactly what I did.

"I have to get going, but please try to talking to some of your friends next time your in trouble. OK?" Madoka jokingly smiled at me while walking back from where she came from.

"It kinda feels like you care a little to much about this, is there something you want to tell me" I calmly said.

"No, I just really care about you"

And just like that she was gone and I was off to the bar.

Author note

Oh my I'm so happy! I have all As in school :) BUT japanese. My stupid teacher Mrs. French decided to give me a B cause she hates me! anyway review and stuff.


	10. Chapter 10

Author note

Happy B-day to me! I'm fifteen now and to celebrate me being one year closer to kicking the bucket, I got one-hundred dollars from my family. I'm going to save up for a new laptop so I can check my stories more professionally.

The next day I woke up in a strange, but familiar, bedroom. It smelled of cheese burgers, fries, and scrap metal from bey parts. I sat from the black and white bed someone had placed me in, but I fell right back down when a sharp shock of pain went through my head. Looking around, it became obvious I wasn't in the back room of in the bar because of the light pictures of flowers and beyblade trophies. As I closed my eyes in an attempt to ease my head ache, I herd a door slam open with a bright light behind it. To keep my hang over from getting anymore painful, I snapped my head away from the bright light as if it was going to kill me.

"Hyoma are you OK?" I herd a familiar voice say.

"Madoka? How did I get in here?" I said, slightly slurring my words.

"I found you outside laying in a pile of dirt while I was on my way to meet Ginga" Madoka said, setting a small stack of cloths next to me.

I could tell Madoka was concerned about me by her eyes. One look into them and I knew she was close to crying. **First she ignores me for months and makes me feel crap and now she's about to make me feel like pure shit by crying over me,** I thought to myself.

"Are those my cloths from last night?" I uttered, looking down and finally noticing I was wearing someone's sleep cloths.

"Yeah, they were dirty so I washed them"

"OK, but what I'm really concerned with is how did you change me in my sleep?" I asked, a small bit embarrassed by the thought of being undressed by a girl.

"It took awhile cause I had my eyes closed, but don't worry I hardly saw anything" Madoka said reassuringly."By the way It's not attractive when guys go commando"(just for those who do not know what going commando means in this term, it means without under wear or under clothing)

"Sorry you had to see that much of me" I said, feeling my face turn bright red.

"It's OK, I didn't have any problems with it" Madoka replied with a smile.

We stared at each other for a few moments before she realised what she said.

"I mean...I didn't have any difficulties with the washer and stuff! I didn't mean it like that!" Madoka's face was probably redder than mine at this point.

I laughed as she fumbled to choose the right words to say, which only made her face change to a brighter red.

"OK then, before I choke on my own tongue lets talk something else. Why were you knocked out on a pile of dirt?" Madoka huffed, trying to catch her breath.

Y

"Well I...I really can't tell you without you getting upset" I said, pulling a blanket half way over my face.

"Hyoma If it's bad I want to know " Madoka spoke spoke with a gentle voice.

"I'm an alco-" I stopped to think about what I was about to do. **What If she tells Hokuto, or Ginga, or his dad; or anyone else.** I thought to myself.

"I'm an alcoholic" I said, sounding more proud of it than I intended.

"Oh"

A long silence engulfed us. Madoka sat on the edge of the bed next to were my stomach was.

"So I guess you think I'm crazy for drinking, don't you?" I said, with half my face under a blanket.

"No, I think you just need help getting better" Madoka pulled the blanket from my face and looked down at me.

I looked into her brown eyes as she placed her hand on mine. I lifted my back off the bed so our lips could connect in a kiss. The kiss started out light, but became more passionate as we continued. She sat on my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck, and in return I wrapped my arms around her waist to keep her balanced. We stayed like this for about twenty long minutes and we were prepared to keep going as long as we could, but we pulled apart when we saw herd the door open.

Author note

Oh god I had to force my Asexual self to write that last part. Anyway I hope no one hates this pairing cause I'm going to be using it in the story for awhile.


	11. Chapter 11

Author note OK, let me just start by saying sorry for the wait but I have been Butt achingly busy with school work. And next sorry for the short length of the last chapter, I had a "problems" to deal with. Anyway I will be getting that laptop sooner than I thought cause...I GOT A JOB! At an electronics and media store. The funny thing is the same day I got hired is the same my mom called me a lazy ass XD

I pulled out of the kiss and snapped my head over at the door. The bright light from Madoka's hallway caused me to see spots and my vision blur a bit, but I could make out who was standing in the door frame easily; It was Ginga. For a few seconds I just looked at his blurred figure in the door frame, but eventually he closed the door behind himself. I could tell Ginga was unset with something because of how tensed he looked as he walked Closer to the bed.

"H...hey Madoka, Tsu...basa needs you down stairs" Ginga stuttered, as if he had just recently learned to talk. "Are you serious Ginga!? Now, you choose now of a... Whatever I'm going" Madoka hissed, hopping off my lap.

"Sorry Madoka if you don't want to-" Ginga started, but was cut off.

"I said It's fine Ginga" Madoka said sturnly before walking out the room.

"Wow Ginga, what did you do to her; punch her mom?" I laughed with a juvenile smile.

With timid eyes, Ginga looked down at me from the bed side. "Just...just...just shut up, Hyoma!"

I stopped my laughter. My jolly mood was quickly replaced with an odd sense of guilt, even though I hadn't done anything wrong; or at least I hadn't done anything that I knew was wrong.

"You know Hyoma, I...I never knew you were so willing to hurt others to make yourself feel good" Ginga sobbed as if he were a new born child.

"What did I do?" I said, trying to keep calm at the pathetic scene before me.

"Madoka! Why would you take Madoka right after I told her how I felt about her!" Ginga's moans and cries became more angry and violent as he spoke.

"Ginga I had no idea-" I began.

Ginga wiped his face and began to pull himself together before speaking "No you didn't, but you would have if you weren't always going out get high like the drug head you are. Your pathetic and you can count or friendship in the same place you belong, in the trash" Ginga said, walking out of the room. I launched out of the bed in pursuit of of the red haired boy, and it wasn't until I reached the bottom of the staircase that I caught the my old friend by his wrists.

"Please, Ginga don't do this" I pleaded.

"Don't do what? Realize how big of a bastard you are, your too late for that" Ginga barked, instead of sadness and a sense of betrayal in his voice there was fury and hate.

"Your my best friend Ginga, your one of the few good things I have to hold on to. Please lets just try to talk before you push me away along with our history" I said, sounding as pathetic as Ginga did a few minutes ago.

"Oh no, don't start trying to pretend like I'm the one who pushed you away first" Ginga lightly laughed out, but I could tell that laugh had just as much hate for me as his words. "I tried to be your friend that night you said you were busy with your, **African spice** was it? But you were to busy for me, so instead you just decided to shut me out. Hyoma admit it, in truth you wanted our friendship to end and you have made that very clear to me"

"Ginga If I wanted to end our friendship, why would I be trying to stop you from leaving?!" I yelled, becoming just as angry as the boy in front of me.

"How about...Because you got what I wanted for yourself, and now you think your better than me. And now you just want to keep me around so you can feel like you have someone more sad and desperate than yourself"

"You know what, It's OK Ginga. I just want you to know one thing, She came on to me" I said, trying to end the argument.

"You can go to hell!" Ginga spat at me, trying to provoke me.

Even with Ginga's harsh words coming at me in a barrage, I stayed calm. I had no more words to continue with. My best friend hated now, and he hated me with a passion. I should have kept trying to get him to see reason, but like the weak person I was I didn't.

"I thought you might not have anything else to say. Bye, Hyoma" The red head said, walking out of the door and out of my life.

"What was that about?" Madoka asked, coming up the stares from her bey repair room with Tsubasa behind her.

I didn't say anything back, I just turned around and sat in the chair behind me. I placed my face in palms. I could tell Madoka was signalling Tsubasa to leave me and her alone from their loud whispers. As soon as The door opened with Tsubasa going out it, Madoka began to comfort me. In truth I didn't need her comforting. All I needed was to get away from reality again, but no amount of alcohol could give me that. But luckily I knew a plant that could. I couldn't tell Madoka about this, obviosly, but what relationship doesn't have secrets.

Author note

I have no idea were any of that came from :I

Sorry if this makes no sense, I just started a grammar unit in English so I decided to try out being more descriptive.


	12. Chapter 12

It wasn't until late that night that I ended my stay at Madoka's house. It was actually about 10:30 when I told Madoka I was going home but, because of her barrage of last minute questions about my personal life, it took me until 10:40 to actually get to the front door. Before I left into the cold, Madoka hugged me tightly one more time. The embrace lasted much longer than most normal people would enjoy or even be comfortable, but when was I ever normal? Before another word could be said, I was out the night sky was a dark icey gray color and the icey color matched the ice cold tempature. Even though it must have been twenty degrees outside, I wasn't going home anytime soon. I wonder how long It will take for me to get caught this time? I joked to myself as I looked up at the Kmart sigh. Staying hidden in the shadows and keeping my head down, I snuck to the back of the store as casually as possible. Behind the building was pitch black and the roar of cars on a near by highway could be herd, how anyone could do business of any kind back here was a huge mind fuck to me.

"Hey guy don't you know it's dangerous back here at night?!" I herd from behind me.

"I'm not here to be patronized, I just want to buy the stuff and go home," I said, turning around to face my old acquaintance.

"Oh hey! I haven't seen you in ages, hows life been?"

"I'm not here to socialize either, I just need to buy," I huffed.

"You never waste time do you, Goat boy?" The teen said, tossing a small bag of marijuana.

"It's smaller than usual, are you really running out of supplies this early in the month?" I asked, examining the bag.

"Actually I am. There are a lot of different kids like us who get stressed out about a lot of different things and they all come to me when they want some medicine to cure it," The teen said, sounding proud of himself. As if he was doing something so amazing.

"Ive never herd anyone call this stuff medicine before," I said handing over thirty dollars for my medicine and walking away laughing at what I herd tonight. "Life must be good for you, having all those people pay for this stuff."

"Yeah, It is" I herd the other teen say, before I walked out from behind the building and into the street lights.

What time is it? I thought to myself, looking at my cellphone. It was already midnight. Hokuto was probably worried, but he could wait awhile longer. Besides It's not like I could still just hide the small bag under my jacket like before, no, Hokuto would pick up the scent of the foul smelling weed. I would just have to smoke it outside and hide the scent later. I carried the small bag in the pocket on the inside of my jacket as I made my way to somewhere lifeless Luckily the city was filled with abandoned warehouse and run down buildings, so picking a spot to hide out was only a matter of how far I wanted to walk. Eventually I ran into a rundown gas station with a gaping whole in the bottom left of the door. I walked up to the store with little caution and crawled in through the hole, braking small parts of the door as I went through. It's not like anyone lives here, I thought to myself as I stepped on small pieces of glass. The inside of the run down surprisingly warm, despite the huge hole in door letting some of the cold air in. Cobwebs hung from empty shelves and the corners of the ceiling. Ignoring the filth and grime, I took a seat in on a counter next to a cash register covered in dust. I took the small bag of plants out of my coat my pocket with an empty cigar wrapping to smoke it in.

"Oh Ginga, If only you knew the wonders of smoking," I said aloud, setting the head of the wrapped plants on fire and taking the first hit. "Maybe you wouldn't be such a little bastard then.". (A/N If you don't know what hit means for smoking then look it up cause I can't really give a definition that works)

Just as I started to feel the drug take affect, my phone rang at full volume. I took the touch screen out of my pocket and read the name on the screen, It was Madoka. "Yeah."

"Were are you, Hyoma? Hokuto just called me looking for you and he sounds worried," Madoka said, obviously angry..

"I was on my way home now, I just stopped to pick up something" I said, slightly slurring my words.

"Your voice sounds weird, are you alright?" Madoka asked.

"I'm fine, it's just cold out here," I said, trying to keep my voice from sounding nasally.

"Just get home before you freeze to death, OK," Madoka said, before hanging up.

"Oh well, the bags almost empty anyway," I yawned, hopping off the counter top and dropping the almost empty bag that was once full of drugs.

I crawled my way back outside in seconds and I was a mile from home. I looked at my phone and saw that it was almost two in the morning. Hokuto is probably steaming mad right now, I thought to myself. It took me until 2:45 to finally reach my front door. I unlocked the door and tip toed in, trying to stay as quiet as possible. All the lights were out and it was quiet enough to hear the whistling wind outside. Now was the perfect time to get the smell of weed off me with a shower. I stumbled a little trying to get to the bathroom because of the slight high, but walking against the wall for support got me to the bathtub without falling over. I turned on the, stripped down to nothing, and stepped in to the pouring water. The heat splashing down over my body shot me back to being sober, or at least it cleared my head enough to think properly. I messed up again. Now Ginga hates me and Hokuto is going to be pissed at me in the morning, I thought to myself. Before getting out of the water, I washed every part of my body until the smell of marijuana had faded away. I walked out of the bathroom, still soaking wet, and into the kitchen. "I'm so awful," I said to myself, grabbing a knife and retreating to the bathroom mirror. I looked at my reflection holding the slim sharped edged knife. I began to think about how angry Ginga and Hokuto had to be with me right now. Then I snapped with a burst of anger. I slammed the knife down against my skin, imagining It was actually Ginga and Hokuto I was cutting. I watched a stream of blood come down my arm and get on the wet floor. I grabbed a handful of tissue and wiped of the blood off my arm. I turned away from the mirror to go put the knife away, but I was caught of guard by Hokuto standing in the door way.

Author note

I'm so frustrated with myself! I have two new story ideas, but there chapter ideas not one shots. Ones about Toby being a polygamist and dating Zeo AND Masamune ( god why has no one thought of that yet) and the others a vocaloid fic. The problem is I can't start any new chapter stories because I can't even update the ones I have already on time. Oh well that is it for this chapter.


	13. Chapter 13

Author note I have returned and I'm lazier than ever! Anyway I haven't been on Fanfiction in months so I'll try my best to get back into a writing mood.

We stood there in awkward silence. I tried to look Hokuto in the eye, but his gaze stayed on the blood streaming down from my arm. The tissues became soggy between my fingers from the blood running out like water. With every drop of blood that hit the bathroom floor, I felt my head become lighter and my balance become more unstable.

"Oh my lord, Hyoma!" Hokuto gasped, taking notice to the large red puddle forming "just put down the knife and I can help stop the bleeding."

With no second thoughts I did as I was told. I dropped the red stained knife in a puddle of blood and water next to my feet and I started staggering out the bathroom, going toward the living room couch. I only made it half way to the couch before my legs gave in and I fell to the ground, with my vision turning white as I went down. As I blacked out I could feel small paws pushing against my bare back trying to revive me. Soon after loosing consciousness, my feeling and ability to think went with it. It seemed like I was floating inside my own mind for a few minutes, but I knew that was wrong when I peaked my eyes open to find myself in a hospital bed, and next to me was a digital clock that read ten O'clock on February tenth. I was out for a whole day! But it only feels like I was on my living room floor two minutes ago, I thought to myself. I turned over onto my side to try and get more sleep, but I had a change of heart once I saw Madoka sitting beside my bed and Hokuto in her lap. They were both in a sound and peaceful sleep sitting in the chair perched exactly next to my bed. I wonder if Madoka told Hokuto about our relationship? I questioned myself, slightly laughing at the thought of how Hokuto would react. **"Keep your snake in your in pants, Hyoma. If you don't it might run away",** Hokuto would tell me that whenever I looked at a girl when I was 10, well actually he still does but not as frequently. I bet Madoka is pissed at me for this, for not telling her I have serious problems in need of serious solving. I flipped over onto my stomach and pressed my face into the bone white pillow. I can only imagine what kind of punishment I'll receive from Hokuto when I get out the hospital. I might even have to go through therapy. **Hokuto if you if you love me you won't send me to a therapist, or counselor, or whatever those people calm themselves,** I mentally cried . At that point I was to deep inf my own thoughts of the future to notice my light noise woke up Madoka.

"Hyoma, you awake yet?" Madoka said groggily.

"Yeah, I'm awake" I responded, with my voice being muffled by the pillow over my mouth.

"Good, cause I can't yell at you when your passed out," Madoka's voice became more lively and solid "why would you try to kill yourself?!"

"I didn't, It was an accident," I said, with my face still in the moved Hokuto into the chair across the room from her so our conversation wouldn't wake him.

"You can't accidentally go into a kitchen, grab a skin ripping knife, and then go into a bathroom and cut your veins."

I turned my head out of the pillow to speak clearer, "I mean I accidentally cut to deep and I accidentally cut a vein."

"And cutting yourself was on purpose?!"

I began to play cry as if the situation was just a small everyday mistake "yes, please don't be mad."

"I'm not mad, just a little hurt," Madoka said, scooting closer to my bed side until she just a few inches away from me.

"What?"

"I said I'm hurt, I'm hurt because your killing yourself and your not letting me help you," Madoka said, with her voice switching from frustrated and bold to timid and submissive.

"I'm not trying to hurt anyone but myself, I'm the only one who deserves it," I said, my tone of voice matching hers.

"What if you seriously hurt yourself? How do you think Hokuto would feel," Madoka said, laying her head on the edge of my bed "or how I would feel."

"You wouldn't miss me, nothing would change if I died," I said, sounding a lot darker than I wanted to.

"Your a dumb ass if you think that," Madoka yawned.

"Well even a dumb ass can tell your still tired, go back to sleep," I spoke kindly while playfully patting her head"

"You promise not to cut yourself with a scalpel while I'm asleep?"

"I can't give any promises."

Author note Well hope it was better than my last chapters. Please review or if you don't feel like it just favorite or whatever


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